| don't delete moi |
[27 Sep 2005|01:54am] |
kind of don't want to be deleted here so YAY hiii ya'll
i'm in college now. kind of odd to say but i'm living in the big apple right now.
hm, if i don't stop now i'll end up coming back and that's now the best idea, now is it ;)?
anyway, how are you all doing? i do check this time at a time to look through my friends lives.. but usually go through my friends list which is why i want to keep this.. so if anything important (or you've missed me ;)) comes up then just type away.
told you i won't stop..so i'll stop now. ciao
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| everything happens for a reason |
[08 Nov 2004|08:46pm] |
I understood something today. About three (or is it four now? oh yeah, it's four) years ago I was introduced to TOD. Most of us if haven't ever been on there.. heard of it. Back then I wasn't really a writer. I remember my first silly entry about my restaurant trip with my parents to Grande. Then I began writting.. but I wasn't writting for myself. Even when I opened up.. I always wrote for people. I remember my long deep entries (some of them)... and I remember somebody telling me (oh it was Alla!) that we write for "the audience" in places like that.. and today I realized how right she was. Before I thought that yeah, in a way she's right but I'm still writting for me and not for the comments. No, I never wrote for the comments but I needed to let somebody see what's going on in my life.. it wasn't about getting it off my chest..but something else.. something stronger. And I understood it today.
I started a journal last year that I've been able to keep since. I started my book. I tried collecting all my poetry/songs/stories together into in piece. But something was always missing.
When I came back from Riga my journal suddenly turned into Russian. I finally let my feelings flow through the language that I love so much, and respect. Suddenly this year my writtings in my agenda began in Russian and just sometimes english when there was a quote or something from a song. I started quoting in Russian in my profiles.. not caring if others will understand or not. At one point I said to myself, "No, I'm going to go back writting in english." And today I understood why I started the Russian trend.
I spent five hours over at Dasha's house today. I found out horribly news yesterday and I needed to lean on at somebody. Lately she's been the one if it isn't Arisha or Tema. Lately she's been able to open up to me more.. we started talking on the phone more and I just know her more clearly and am able to open up to her. I didn't show in school that something was wrong..although she noticed a little but I said, "It's no biggie" and she goes, "Got the clue." She knew that I didn't want it to be mentioned right now, or didn't want to open up about it. I would've because I'm cool with Vera but I don't want to let Lauren back into my life compleatly as I started letting her in last year.Anyway, off my point here. So I asked her if I could come by for a cup of tea after school. She let me in and we talked for hours and hours. We found out that we share so many similar feelings about life, guys, friendships & so on. It was just so relaxing. She gave me advices about my situation and did not care that I needed to stop a few times because it was hard for me to talk about this. She then showed me a notebook with bunch of quotes & songs from her friend back in Russia. Then we looked through pictures where she had random sayings and greeting cards from her friends back there. I don't know.. suddenly I understood why I started writting in Russian. Dasha... she helped me understand even more then I believe in it.. she made me see how important it is to be YOURSELF in ANY way that it is. It's not about fitting in.. AT ALL, but it's about being just YOU and only YOU. She does it. She doesn't care what others say. She doesn't care that she doesn't have as many friends.. because those who she has are REALLY great people that are always there. I don't think I'll be able to explain what I felt after our talk, but I realized that this bull shit (sorry guys) is just not for me anymore. I used to be at TOD. People used to love reading my entries. And know something? I loved that as well. I started my book and my friends just loved it.. but it was never really for ME. All those sayings in my agenda now.. they are just for ME (even though half of my school IS russian but that's besides the point :P). My profile online has become just for me.. hey half of you can't read it and it's okay (you can always ask :)) because I know why now I have it. And as for my journal next to my bed.. that will be for others in life after I am gone, but today.. no more audience.. it's for me.
Some of you might not understand AT ALL what I just tried explaining but it's okay. This is the last time I wrote for somebody when speaking of my feelings towards things (besides letters & such things of course :P). I've met great people & I love you guys. It's up to you now if you want me in your life in any shape or form.. or not. I won't be mad, I won't scream or yell at you, I won't do a thing but wait for your response by e-mailing me. Besides maybe my psychic twin since he hasn't been around my journal lately (I miss you, Kyle)!
I left TOD. And trust me, that was a step to take. And now it ends here for me. I don't think I'll be back to online journals again. Who knows of course but for now... Au Revoir
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| you and me... oh my my my |
[07 Nov 2004|01:52pm] |
He told me that long straigh hair is so sexy! When I said I don't care he gave my a puppy face... oh that face.. my my. He loved my new style... was so glad I didn't go blonde.
And if you know me well enough (which many of you don't) you know that now this short hair is going to be growing. I swear, even when I saw I want to do it.. I don't have the patience... but when he says the same thing.. it becomes reality. You know.. it still doesn't make sense to me that we are dating, but it sure hell is understandable to everyone around us by now (besides my mom that tries to ignore the fact of course)... I mean hello, they KNOCK all the time when they know that we are alone in the room... and that "coat" trick yesterday that Arkadij did.. that was plainly cute. I'm still laughing at the "drawer move" and my heart goes awwww to the invitation.
Hm, no one will understand this entry which I find a little funny. Sorry lads!
Ps; Why is she ruining her life? Why can't she just fucking (pardon) stop!!?
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[02 Nov 2004|03:22pm] |
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My dreams just crashed and became dust... nothing more.
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[30 Oct 2004|12:34pm] |
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Watch "Shall We Dance"!!
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| oy mama nesmogla, golovu poteryala |
[22 Oct 2004|01:15am] |
Hmm. So I was writting this long entry and then I thought, "But I don't want to write online." So I stopped and now I'll sum all that up just in a few words.
Stayed home sick after the big weekend on Monday and half of Tuesday.
Auditioned on Tuesday (which is why I had to come to school for a few periods)!
Today we got the results.
My coach's crazy because she gave me the part that I was debating on wether I wanted to do instead of an attorney. It's like she read my mind. But she explained me why she gave that part to me and I guess I'm happy now that I'm the doctor and not an attorney. Plus I would never be able to be parthners with that girl :P. And I'll be a strong witness ;).
Alla wanted to hang out tomorrow so I think we might go to Rigewood or something.
There's a party Saturday. I have a feeling this is going to be really intresting.
I plan to make a suprise attack on the A house (A house =Arina & Arti; their last name begins with an A as well) on Sunday.
Arti's been mentioning how much he misses me lots lately.
It makes me feel just a bit... gooood :).
Today he said something that kind of meant a lot to me.
Anyway, I can't fall asleep for some odd reason (and I'm soo tired) so I might do a new layout. Haven't done those in a while (or of course I can study a bit more for my psych test but why would i be so smart and do that?)
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| i open my eyes and realize that what i want can't be |
[12 Oct 2004|02:55pm] |
How weird is it to miss somebody that you barely know? I just miss seeing his face and just smiling to each other in the hallways. Just a few days passed since I've seen that face and.. suddenly for some reason I miss it. And it's not one of those "oh she has a crush on you" situations, but it's one of those that this kid for some reason looks promising and fun to be around (friendship wise!) Oh you probably all are so lost. I met Serge about two weeks ago. I knew of his existence before and so did he about mine, but we were never really introduced to each other. We met at the Russian Club and had a few good talks and he then ended up entertaining all of us. He's in my grade and is just a smart nice russian guy who everyone seems to love. Since that day we've been always saying hey to each other and trying to drop a joke for a quick second (which works for him and SOMETIMES for me as well). For some reason his face makes a day brighter.. just one of those "good spiritis" that bring positive energy!
I had an amazing weekend. And it was definatly amazing. On saturday I took the SATs. Let's get into that some other time. Then my family and I drove to Arina's house. It was Arina's mom's birthday party on Saturday. It was planned that I stayed. I was supposed to spend the whole Sunday with my grandparents and then on Monday Arina and I had to go to the NYU tour.. so I stayed there the whole weekend.
Met lots of new faces (mostly all Arina's brother's friends who are friendly with the family) and had load of fun. When everyone left Tema entertained Arina and me for hours by showing us all these different clips on his computer and then just some good music. Finally we all decided to go to sleep. That's right, after Val's been beging to let her just sleep and when they compleatly make Val awake they decide to go to sleep. What other order is there? So I'm laying there in bed and thinking what am I going to do because Arina seems to actually want to sleep. About ten minutes later I had Tema come up to me. Long story short, we escaped to his bed and I hanged out there for a "few" hours. We ended up going to bed finally at 3:30-4 am. How else :P? Oh we had a scare though. We heard noise outside our door so I jumped into my bed with Arina (and woke her up kind of lol) and about two minutes later Arina's dad walked in. We all pretended being asleep and then I was freaking out about what if I didn't move back to my spot? But I was quickly calmed down :P.
I got up around 12:20ish and took a long hot shower. Arisha and Tema didn't get up till 1pm (sleepy heads!). By then I was all dressed up and ready to go to my grandparents' house. That's when Arina and Tema started doing exercise. I laughed at all the little comments and what is exercising without Val being thrown up and off Tema's shoulder and etc?! That's what I thought! Anyway, I finally got to my grandma's around 3. My aunt was there with her family as well so we all walked on the board walk. Then when they left grandma and I had a 2 hour English lesson. Oh I thought I was going to fall asleep. She saw that too.. but I held strong and helped her in anyway I could. Then she gave me 50 dollars for my early birthday because I wanted to get this really nice outfit at Mandie's but kind of forgot to get money from my account. Anyway, I got back to Arina's house around 8 p.m. and we all went to eat. During the meal Arina and I (now I know why I didn't know since I wasn't there the whole day but Arina.. oy her) found out that Tema was working the next day and needs to get up at 5:30 a.m. which meant early sleepy time that night.
After diner I went over to the computer to print something out and look at the Mock Trial Case this year. Tema came down stairs and told me good night. I wished him good night as well. Ten minutes later he came downstairs again and goes, "Don't ask but I'm just saying good night again!" I smiled and said good night and oh by the way, bye. "Are you not coming back here after the NYU tour?" he asked me to which I said that I need to go home at some point :P. He gave me a kiss on the lips and told me to come back soon. I told him that it's his turn to come here now (although their house will always be more fun.. but we plan on making it grand the next time they get here). About 15-20 minutes later I went upstairs to finish my home work. Arina was doing her home work and Tema had his eyes closed but I saw that he's listening to music. About 20 minutes later he took off his headphones and decided to go to "sleep", but noticed me and I don't remember how but we started talking. I was really cold so I came up to him and kind of leaned on his leg and realized that he's really warm. He realized how freezing I was and took my hands into his :) to make me warm. Then he pulled me over to him and wraped his arms around me and put down his head saying, "Now I can sleep fine!" Haha. Anyway, he ended up staying up and talking to me (and cuddling :)) until 12:30ish (or more like 1 a.m). My poor darling!
On Monday Arina and I went to NYU tour. That was histerical. Arina and I together.. well we are horrrrible at directions. We got soo lost and ended up walking around in circles trying to find which NYU building we need. Then people gave us different directions and so on.. it was real bad. There were a few funny/embaression moments but that's between us only! Anyway, we were obviously late so they let us go to the next tour. I LOVE NYU. NYU and me are meant to be. Except I became really sad after school because who am I kidding? I have about what, 1% of getting in? All right, maybe a bit more... but not more then 20%. I want that school thought. You don't understand. It's MY place. And if not this time.. I'm going to be there. I want to rip my hair out right now for screwing all my chances during 10th grade? Why, why did everything happen that way back then? Give me back my time!!!!
Oh, Andrei Makarevich (hopefully, most likely) this weekend!!! Not like any of you know who that is but I'm still real excited.
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[09 Aug 2004|03:30pm] |
type your name with your:
nose: valness
elbow: v aln ess
tongue: valness
chin: v cz,l nedzzs
foot: valness
eyes closed & 1 finger: va;bess
palm: vasklness
wrist: valkness
normally: valness
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| ** i'm coming back to you.. my first love |
[02 May 2004|05:35pm] |
I know I am never here but I decided perhaps just at time to time paste in some things that I'm writting at a diffrent place. So here you are, an update on my life <3.
Today is the last day of vacation. It almost feels as it was such a waste.. a waste of the days. But then you remember all the positive things that has happened during those wasting days.. and you remember what or who it made you think about and the vacation becomes so full, maybe even too full. The questions, the decisions.. so much involved in just one week. For some even you might walk out as a diffrent person. For me, not diffrent but maybe starting to really grow up. But in the end I am just sixteen and there is so much more to learn.
Yesterday was a lovely day. Yesterday was a terrible day. How can the two combine? I guess that's what life for you is. So yesterday was the marked day, May 1st, SAT day. Except it became unmarked for me, and not an SAT day at all. The nigh before, right before I went to bed I got on collegeboard.com to print out my admission ticket and.. I was not signed up. Right now it is all very confusin because I know for sure that I signed up almost two months ago! I went histericall because let me tell you.. I am sick of this test and was so ready do be done with it. Then I watched a movie (Romeo Must Die) and went to bed around three am. In the morning my mom woke me up and I told her the story. She yelled, I cried some more and yadda. So I blame it all on my dad and he blames it all on me. But in the end... whoever did it..did it and there is nothing to do about it anymore but take the next test. There go my plans..
Dan got back from his dad's yesterday. We planned to go see a movie, 13 going on 30. It was an exciting meet and at the same time I was so nervous. After all this was the first us being alone after I broke up with him. We walked to the movies (30 minutes walk) which was actually a good decision.. we needed to melt any ice that was around us. It was an ackward but the right walk. We fought a little (playingly of course), laughed, made fun of each other and so on. At time to time we walk hand in hand which was ackward for us both.. I could feel it but then I realized that I've walked with just friends that way.. it's a normal thing after all. The movie was a sweet movie. It was not as bad as I though it could be at first, Jennifer made an amazing job. If you love her, you have to go see it and not care about the remakrs that are made, "But she's our ALIAS girl, she kicks butt and is not a teenager." Read up an interview fans, this is the real Jennifer.. in the movie. She said it herself. And I of course loved the movie because it involved a lot of fashion as always :P. After the movie we sat on some steps and just talked for a little while. We were in an adventorous mood so we turned on a diffrent street from what we usually turn. Then we decided to walk on the railroad tracks. Oh my, I never knew that I could be that scared! I kept on turning around and I was the first one to hear the train (it was far away still.. loser I am) and I freacked out. Dan could not hear it at first and told me I'm crazy but then he heard it. We stepped away from the railroad tracks a little into the "forest" and I was still scared haha. After two trains passed us and a long hug from Dan.. I think I calmed down. It was a fun walk because we found all these weird places and wanted to check it out..then I'd get scared..then he'd take my hand..we'd walk through it and realize it was nothing. Haha, fun times. We hugged as we departed and went our seperate ways. A second later I turned around and sighted. It felt so sad inside and yet so right.
When I came back home my father was about to watch a movie, Extraordinary Gentlemen (or something along those lines). I always sticked around to watch it so I decided to stay. It was a movie with all these characters from diffrent Romances mixed in. The books of my parents' youth. I only knew a few characters (knew as in heard the names.. didn't know the stories behind it mostly) and I fely so ashamed. After the movie my dad went to bed and my mom and I had a very long talk. We talked about boys, education.. life. After dating Dan I finally understood her and her views on a boy friend. Really, are we trying to get married? I never judged her and zillion amount of boys she had around her all the time during youth (and still some now)... but I always thought that it just doesn't make sense. I'm sorry if some might not agree with my views right now but this is my diary (well not entirely mine, but we all know what I mean) and I think I am allowed to write anything I want to in here. After all that is what is said on the front page my dears, exit out if you do not wish to read. But in any case.. at age such as ours we should be still having fun. Getting invovled with one person.. isn't it a little ridicilous.. just a little? My mom when she was my age had a boy on every case. She knew exactly who'll go with her to the movies, who will go to the museum, a night walk and so on. "I had a boy for each event and to tell you the truth, it was very comfortable because I knew that he was enjoying himself and I was enjoying myself," she said, "And what's so bad about liking many guys at one time? You so young..and beautiful.. you do not need to fall in love with each and every boy... don't limit yourself.. take away the boundaries and make friends." After we decided that a tittle for a boy friend basiclly says that you are allowed to be kissing with only one guy and only him..she said, "And what if I want to kiss more then just one guy? A kiss is a kiss and you are not married yet. You'll have a life time of being devoted to only one guy.. I remember when I met your father many boys dessapeared.. why begin with that?" For many perhaps it wont make much sense everything I have just said but it does to me, and that's what matters the most. A few days ago I said, "I want to try just dating, nothing serious." and now I understand exactly why.
Oh and about the ashamed factor. That's it. I'm going to start making something of myself. I don't care that I still have SATs coming up.. I'm going back to karate and my first love... art.
Good day kids.
update: but of course.. i was wrong. he thought it was a date. well he wasn't 100% sure but yeah.. it's a long story right now.. and i want to get to bed. i guess i just wanted to say that maybe i was wrong.. u can't have a friendship after a relationship...actually you can that is if both sides want that and not trying in any way possible get the other person back. oy vay
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| stole this from darling katie. |
[15 Apr 2004|11:40pm] |
past
1. when were you born: december twenty-nine eighty-seven
2. where were you born: sankt-peterburg
3. what was your first grade teacher's name?: svetlane aleksandrovna. may she rest in peace. (why is that the bestest people in your life have to go?)
4. what was your first pets name and what was it?: motilda and she was a guneapig. when she died i didn't just cry..my dad cried. which reminds me, i haven't been at the grave for a long time.
5. what was your worst accident (medical)?: my grandma was talking to a friend of hers and the thing i was laying in got slipped our of her hand and we were on a little hill so i flipped and they had to rush to the city get the hole in my head fixed. the doctors said the scar will stay but it's clean now :).
6. what was your favorite cartoon?: nu zayac, pagadi! (russian)
7. who was your first best friend?: does someone who you don't really remember memories with but only know from what you were told count? if yes then masha. if no, then olya (3 years old..still are :))
8. when was the first time you ever went on a plane? 5 and a half years ago. the day i came to uniter stated.
9. who was your first boy friend?: it was never official but he was my boy and i was his girl. rostik. we were in love..puppy love. we did everything together. movies, plays, his karate classes and so on. he spent all of his birthday money on us once when he was getting me back home (the year i left to usa). my friends said we were going to get married. we still talk. we friends. i was falling back for him but then got over myself. he's miles away (argentina) and he was just the first boy to get my heart. my mom always loved him. he was the perfect gentleman. i guess that's two "the guy who got away" now that my mom likes. but we getting close again (rostik) so yay. he's fun sometimes. too much talk :P.
10. what was your favorite song when you were in the 5th grade?: probably.. malen'kaya strana (russian once again) although ksu made me listen to spice girls like crazy.
11. what was your favorite movie in the 2nd grade?: i think lady the tramp but my memory does not go that far back :P
12. what did want to be when you grew up?: well.. me and my girl friends wanted to become artists all together. then me and this other girl wanted to be teachers. then...oy too many careers :P.
13. what used to be your favorite color?: light blue and it alway has been (even though i'm leaning more and more towards brownish colors).
14. what was your favorite subject?: i think it was english. it was a class that not all of us took but only those who were willing to pay for it. it was the best class. our teacher lived in usa for the longest time and he was soo tall. but the best people were in that class! but then after that was over (we hated english after that teacher left!!) probably home ec because that day we didn't have first period and second period we had home ec and oh my...yuuuum.
15. did you ever wet your pants at school?: i don't think so. wait, in school? definatly not.
16. did you ever get sent to the principal?: i've been at the office but i don't remember for what reason. it wasn't trouble though :P. oh but in my current school my principal knows my name veeerry well (long story) but never seen me.
17. did you ever steal anything?: i'm an angel. okay, maybe not. mom's money? i think.
18. what was your worst fear?: i seriously cannot remember.
19. what was your favorite toy?: more like a game. my best friend olga and i always played into "the ladies".. we were eaither mother and daughter or sisters. it was fun <33
20. did you ever suck your thumb?: i don't think so. i really don't think i did! whoa, i'm cool hahaha
present
21. what time is it?: 11:22pm
22. what's the date?: april fithteen.
22. what grade are you in?: eleventh.
23. who is your best friend?: arina, dee, nad, olya, olya, aluna, ndn. dan <33. i can't have one best friend. dan is like my god and the seven girls.. i can't live without them!
25. what is your favorite song?: right now my immortal and picture (kid rock & sheryl).
26. do you have any pets?: no...but I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY 6 MONTHS ANNIVERSARY (dan's supposed to get me a pet...omg i love this boy)!!!
27. if so what are their names..if not do you want one?: i want a puppy...soo badly.
28. what is your favorite subject in school?: french.
29. what color hair do you have?: dirty-blonde.
30. what color eyes do you have?: blue.
31. what kind of music do you listen to?: good kinds. everything. <- i liked katie's answer.
32. do you still watch cartoons?: hello, i have a three (almost 3) year old sister..what do you think? sometimes i have to.
33. what is your favorite t.v. show?: gilmore girls, everwood, and of course roswell (so what it's off? i'm watching it as i write..i needed some roswell!)
34. do you got online often?: eh.. depends. this week i've been on a lot. last week i was barely no. depends on many things. -nods-
35. what's your worst fear?: my fear used to be commitment but now they it is not excatly a problem. so of course.. feeling the way i did last year.
36. what's your favorite color?: light blue & brownish tans.
37. what state do you live in?: new jersey
38. do you have a b/f g/f?: yes, dan. i'm married to him..twice. then i'm married to nadz and dee (although i think we were divorced at some point). and arina will always be my lover. hot mama here ;) (i can't believe i just said that!)
39. what's your favorite type of food?: mashed potatoes and lately...icee cream. i'm always wanting some!
40. do you drive?: no
future
41. what do you want to be when you grow up?: oy vay. lawyer or fashion designer.
42. do you want to go to college?: yes.
43. do you want to get married?: eventually.
44. if so at what age...if not why?: after 20 (more like after college) but before 30.. i think. but really.. i should not plan.
45. do you want to have kids?: yes.. i kind of don't want many though. i loove kids unless they are under my rooth. i want like two.
46. if you don't drive what kind of car do you want..if so do you want to keep your car until next year?: i always wanted a mercedez. mmm
47. at what age do you think you'll live to be?: let's not go there.
48. where do you want to live when you're 25?: not in jersey. i'm fed up with everything here. i think a year in cali might sound nice though.. by the way maria told us. but we'll see.. it's so far ahead.
49. what movie do you want to see next saturday night?: i think "man on fire" is coming out, so that.
50. do you think you will have to wear depends (old fart underware)?: wtf i dont know <- katie's answer stays.
51. what time do you think you will go to bed when you're 70 (if you plan to live that long)?: let's plan that when i'm 70. deal? okay, good.
52. do you think you will have the same friends as you do now?: nothing lasts forever. even though olya and i been best friends since 3 years old and still are..miles apart. same goes to ksu and kind of aluna. i don't know what i'd do if i lost arina.. i need that girl to breath. she understand me perfectly. i don't know.. i hope so.. but i really don't know, do i?
53. do you think everyone will be jealous of you at your 10th high school reunion?: if by some magic dan and i are still together (if my mom doesn't kill me by that time. yes, she doesn't like this relationship too much which is why she doesn't know too much details. ahem) then everybody would be the way they are right now.. a little jelous, amazed and they just envy our relationship :P.
54. do you want to be president of the US?: nah. lawyer is good enough for me.
55. do you want to walk on the moon?: sure, if it didn't take so long as it does right now. but damn that's scary.. i mean.. it's.. what if i didn't make it back?
56. do you want to be famous?: if i chose the fashion designer...yes. very yes. i want to be like chanel (keep on dreaming girl).
57. what kind of housing do you want to live in?: my dream home you ask? beautiful. i don't really know. but it needs to have a pool. i love pools. and maybe a jacuzzi and.. i'll shut up now :P.
58. what color do you think your hair will be when you're 50?: depends if i dye it or not. i don't really know. once again we'll shall see then.
59. do you think you will still have the same personality when you're 60?: personality? ya probably. i dont think personality really changes. just ideas and beliefs and likes and dislikes. <- agree with katie.
60. do you think the sun is going to explode?: science says it should. but not in my time it wont.
this survey was stolen from katie. love ya chika and hope you don't mind. prom is on saturday. and now i shall sleep. xx
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| friends only |
[29 Jan 2004|02:40am] |
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jenny: you will be one of the wisest women when you grow up.
yeah, it's one of those..again. sorry for the dissapointment but everyone has a right to have some privacy to his or her world.
made by mystripedskirt
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